I, Alone
by EilonwyCousland QueenofTragedy
Summary: Eilonwy Cousland's origin story from game. AU with triggers. Part of The Way of Thedas series but can be read as a stand alone piece or not read at all.


A/N: WARNING: This story does include rape triggers, foul language, and violence. It does not **need** to be read in order to the Eilonwy's trilogy. However, she was quite angry that I didn't write it so I did. I also found this to be very therapeutic for me to write. It was a way for me to write about my feelings of my own experience in a fictional setting, which is more comfortable for me than if I had written something with myself as the actual lead. Originally, I had plan to include this as the first chapter but had thrown away the rough draft as I felt the graphic content might alienate some readers. Then, after reading and writing a lot more, I decided to include it as it's own story so people could chose to read it or not and still be able to read the rest of Eilonwy's story.

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I, Alone

Eilonwy looked down at the body before her. His ginger-colored hair was made darker from the blood pouring around him. His eyes were still open and glazed over. He had tried to reach her in time, tried to warn her. Dairren. Her childhood friend and training partner. Dead. But so were the men who had killed him.

He had rushed to her room, pounding on the cold stone door. Screaming out a warning that the castle was being attacked. By the time she had unlocked the door he was already gone. She had been too late, too slow. Naga nudged Dairren's hand and whimpered. Tears welled up in Ely's eyes but she refused to let them fall. Not yet. She had to find her family, first.

She stood up and wiped the blood from her blade on her nightdress. She heard noises coming towards her and readied herself for battle.

"Unhand me you foul beasts! I am the Teyrna of Highever; this will not stand!" Eilonwy felt the blood drain from her face as she recognized her mother's voice. Fear shot through her entire body and her hands shook as she held her sword.

She rushed forward, pleading silently with the Maker that she could save her mother. She stopped dead in her tracks when she reached the guest chambers. Her mother, her fiercely proud mother, was on her knees, blood leaking from a head wound. A blade was pressed against her throat but she still glared up at the man in dark gray armor. Eilonwy's eyes widened in shock as she noticed the shield they carried: a dark brown bear against a blue and brown field. __No. It can't be. Nathaniel would never allow... but he hasn't written in so long..___. _And she was frozen. Unable to move from fear and shock. Eilonwy looked down at the engagement ring still on her finger. __Nathaniel... he wouldn't. He can't. He promised he'd be back... he said he loved me.. why?__

Tears trickled down Eilonwy's face as she glanced back up at her mother. Eleanor looked over and caught her daughter's eye. 'I love you, my darling girl' she mouthed and the man laughed wickedly. "Say goodnight now, bitch," he said as he dragged the blade across her throat in a quick, cruel motion.

Eilonwy tried to scream out but the words were stuck in her throat. She felt her knees give out and she fell to the floor as Naga rushed forward and leapt on top of the men. Before they could move Naga had ripped out the man's throat.

"Fucking dog!" Another man growled. He kicked out and Naga was caught between his metal boot and the wall. Another man walked over, a cruel smile on his face. Together they beat the Mabari with the blunt ends of their weapons. A shield edge came down hard on the dog's ankle and it snapped. The sound of Naga whimpering brought Eilonwy back into focus and she screamed in anger. She stood up and rushed one of the men, shoving her blade through a weak point in his armor. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thought, _this is the first time I've ever killed._ But it didn't matter. She wanted to kill them all, these men who had taken her mother from her.

But there were too many of them and she was only one. A man's dagger sliced over her eye; Eilonwy's face stiffened in pain and she recoiled as blood began to run into her eye. It blinded her, and it burned, but she hardly cared. . She deserved this pain, for letting her mother die. All the times she had fought with her and Eleanor had only ever wanted to protect her. A tear trickled out of her good eye and she heard the men laugh. __Bastards.__

A man grabbed her by her hair and leaned in towards her face. "Should we take our time with this one, too? She ain't as pretty as the others," he sneered and his breath stank of stale food.

Someone snorted and nudged her with his foot. "Why in the void not? A woman's a woman; just turn her over and ye can't tell the difference," he replied and the men laughed in response.

__Turn her over... __"You wouldn't dare!" Eilonwy growled, praying she had misunderstood their intentions.

The man holding her hair yanked on it, sending pain shooting through her head. "Ye don't believe us, lassy? Maybe we should show 'er what we did to that pretty sister of hers."

__Oriana! Oren! No, they can't be...__

They dragged her by the hair as she struggled in vain to get free. They entered Fergus and Oriana's chambers and the man tossed her inside. And there they were. Oriana was dead, blood pooling around her thighs. Oren lay next to her, tiny hands still gripping his mother's dress. His neck was bent funny and bone poked through the skin, like his neck had been snapped from behind.

She felt someone press her against the stone cold floor. She kicked and struggled but it was no use. They had her completely pinned down. Her nightdress was lifted above her waist and she could feel the cold air against her bare skin. She could hear the man fumbling with his belt buckle and the sound of his trousers as pulled them down. He grunted as he shoved himself inside her in one thrust and she squeezed her eyes shut against the pain. It was only her second time and these men were not as gentle as Nathaniel had been. This time there was no sweet promises of forever or talk of love. This time there were no lies.

"Please, stop," she heard herself whimper. She bit her lip to keep anymore words from coming out. __This is your fault, Eilonwy. You couldn't stop them so this is your fault. Don't beg. __Blood filled her mouth as she continued to bit through her lip. She refused to beg. She refused to be that weak.

One after another, each man forced himself inside her. Tears flowed freely down her face and it wasn't long before her body went numb. She was glad, then. Glad to no longer be able to feel their vile hands roaming over her body. Glad that it would soon be over and she could join the dead.

The men flipped her over and sneered down at her. She stared blankly back at them, unable to even cry anymore. __Are they done? Is it over, then? __she thought to herself.

"Well, that wasn't much fun. Bitch didn't even struggle. Might as well have fucked a corpse," a man with dark colored hair said as he kicked her in the ribs. Eilonwy felt all the air escape from her lungs and she gasped, trying to breath. Through the pain she heard a barking sound from the hallway.

Everything that happened next, happened in a blur. One moment she was surrounded by Howe's men, the next they were lying dead on the floor and a dark skinned man was standing over her. He reached out his hand to her and she flinched. She tried to scuttle away but her body was sore. She placed a hand on her stomach and grimaced with she realizes she was covered in their sticky fluids. She tried to brush it off but every time she touched it, it just made it worse.

His brow crinkled in concern. "Lady Eilonwy, don't you remember me? We met at the supper table?" He tossed down a handkerchief and Eilonwy hesitantly grabbed it. Her hands shook as she cleaned herself.

Naga limped over to her and nuzzled her face. "Du-Duncan. Duncan of the Grey Wardens," Eilonwy whispered.

Duncan nodded and reached out again. It took her a moment to realize he was offering to help her stand. She took a shaky breath and grabbed his hand. Her legs shook violently and it was hard to stand. Her entire body ached with pain and shame. He handed her a sword and she took it with trembling hands.

Duncan looked at her, eyes filled with pity. "I know you're in pain, Lady Eilonwy, but I need you to help me fight our way out of here. Howe's men have completely taken over the Castle. Most of your men are dead."

A small spark of anger found its way into her heart. She straightened her spine the best she could and glared up at Duncan. "I don't need your pity, Grey Warden."

He nodded. "Good, you still have some fight in you. You'll need it."

Eilonwy took a hesitant step forward and stumbled. Duncan caught her but she shoved him away. She didn't want anyone touching her right now, not even the man who had saved her life. "I need to find my Father," she stated. "And Ser Gilmore."

"I- I am most sorry, Lady Cousland. Your father is dead," Duncan replied, and his voice held only the barest hints of pity this time.

Eilonwy felt her body go cold at his words. _No. No, not Father. Father can't die. He's too strong, too capable. Nobody could kill him, no one would dare. He can't be..._

Tears fell down her cheeks again and she almost fell to her knees. Duncan led her across the hall to her room, gently but forcefully guiding her. He quickly packed her things; some clothes, her brown leather satchel filled with childhood mementos, the family sword Father had given her.

Duncan looked at her as he handed her the bag he had packed. "I can get you out of here but there is a price; I'm sorry. I need a Grey Warden to help fight against the Blight..."


End file.
